Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

VIDEO: Republican Elephant Gives Birth to Healthy Baby Boy

Posted in politics, Republicans by allisonkilkenny on March 1, 2009

2006-03-10dsepiawebThis is how bad things are in the Republican Party. The following 3-minute clip from 13-year-old Jonathan Krohn is considered the “highlight” of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC.) That’s right, this whining, vaguely condescending stump speech (complete with funny voices) from a child is the highlight of CPAC.

Don’t get me wrong, Jonathan has exceptional stage presence, and wrote a good speech about the so-called moral righteousness of the Republican party. I don’t really want to pick on Jonathan here. Who I really want to tear apart is the Republican party.

Really, guys? THIS is the best you can do? Things must be really bad over there in Republicanland if you’re putting all your Hope Eggs in the basket of a child, even though he is very brainwashed well-trained intelligent. You know he won’t be able to run for president for another twenty-two years, right?

It is very appropriate that the Republicans are now turning to a wunderkind as their messianic leader. They already tried an old, white dude, a woman, and not one (but TWO!) men of color, and nothing has reversed the course of their party’s renegade locomotive from speeding toward that cliff. It’s almost like their ideology of deregulation and fucking the poor is, like, not working or something.

Quick, THROW THE KID UP THERE! I’M THINKING! WHY AM I THINKING?! Put him in a little suit!!!

Watching Jonathan do his thing up there, I couldn’t help but feel deeply satisfied. It was like someone had ripped open William Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, or Newt Gingrich, and the screaming, petulant child that lives inside streaked out. The Republican party has finally become a living metaphor of itself: a lost, little boy, who thinks he’s a cowboy, and who really believes a society can be built upon an ideology of selfishness.

I saw Jonathan’s CPAC debut as more than a pageant. I felt like I was watching the Republican elephant give birth to the culmination of all its years of irresponsibility, greed, immorality, and pathetic tough-guy grandstanding.

Here he is, Republicans. Your new, baby boy:

I can already hear the curmudgeons out there saying children should not be fair game for ridicule. First of all, Jonathan Krohn is not trolling the internet to see if mean bloggers are badmouthing him. Jonathan Krohn is somewhere fighting a welfare queen for Jesus and Ronald Reagan.

And second, if we’re not allowed to make fun of children, then no one could talk about Bill O’Reilly, so toss that attitude out the window, Sirs and Madams.

4 Responses

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  1. Doug said, on March 8, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    It’s a shame far left liberal morons like yourself don’t have better things to do than to cut down individual’s like Jonathan Krohn. But then again, you’ve been doing a pretty good job of it for the last 30 years. Mark my word, once Obama’s done with all of his social welfare programs this country will be totally bankrupt financially and morally!

  2. allisonkilkenny said, on March 8, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Considering this is the “highlight” of CPAC, I hope you focus all this spunky tenacity and zeal on your own party, which is now the political equivalent of a fiery trainwreck. Hence, why the highlight of the 2009 CPAC is a 13-year-old boy.

    Oh, but wait…the Conservative policies of deregulation and corporate tax cuts over the last 30 years are what have bankrupted the economy. Ahem. Sorry, that was my liberal moron gene acting up again.

  3. Lloyd said, on March 14, 2009 at 11:38 am

    I wish people who spoke in generalities would spend a second and read their own crap. As a person who left a 6 figure job to help the poor in Montana now (can you say no salary..) who is conservative, I do not appreciate being lumped in with all your assumptions. As I look at the lives of kids ruined by 1 parent families, alcholism, drug abuse, no personal value (they were just a ‘choice’ after all, weren’t they and not a human), yes I believe in conservatism- less government, more power to individuals and more responsibility. I think GWB trying to be a conservative with a liberal bent was what screwed us up the last 4 years- no child left behind is a disaster! I pray for our nation every day- and I do something about it- 1 life at a time. What is your focus? Or can you hear us from your ivory tower in a megacity?

  4. allisonkilkenny said, on March 14, 2009 at 11:48 am

    If you think George W. Bush was anything other than an authoritarian Neo-Conservative, you have more issues than I can deal with via the internets.

    Sorry you’re pissed at your own, disorganized, visionless, antiquated party. If you really think the world’s problems are caused by single mothers and alcohol, you need to step back and educate yourself.

    Have fun worshiping a 13-year-old and following Rush Limbaugh off a cliff.

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