Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Is David Brooks Insane?

Posted in politics by allisonkilkenny on December 12, 2008
Crazy? Or just bitchy?

Crazy, or just bitchy?

In today’s New York Times, David Brooks disguised himself in the persona of a conservative ambassador (a long stretch from his actual form, a conservative columnist,) and addressed a fictitious foreign king about the state of the United States. This kind of theoretical, farcical gallivanting is always a disaster when manipulated by skilled, funny people, but left in the incapable hands of unfunny man David Brooks, the disaster quickly mutated into a fiery train wreck.

Your Excellency, 

Your humble ambassador requests the honor of your time so that he may apprise you of the mood and conditions in Washington. Seeking nothing for himself, but only seeking to serve your most Serene Majesty, your ambassador has been working tirelessly to understand the spirit of the American capital.

Uh-huh. This is like when you walk into the room of a senile grandparent and they’re dancing around with underwear on their head, saying something about being late for tea with the Queen of England. Sure, Grandpa David. Whatever you say.

I guess this is supposed to be whimsical farce, or other euphemisms for intellectuals trying (and failing) to be funny. David uses the persona of upscale tour guide to regurgitate the Conservative position that the auto bailout couldn’t go through because — ya’ know — that would lead to FISCAL INSANITY!!!!111

Once a $100 billion stimulus package was large, but now the stimulus proposals have passed through $300 billion to $500 billion on their way to infinity. Some Americans believe the automakers should be bailed out even without the reforms proposed by Senator Bob Corker. But without those reforms, which were shot down in the Senate Thursday night, the bailouts would go on and on into infinity.

It’s a fair question: where would the cap be if the Senate had given the auto industry $30 billion? Of course, the government just hurled over $700 billion at a handful of shifty-eyed Wall Street gargoyles, but that’s besides the point. Our right-wing compatriots are suddenly and inexplicably conservative with the nation’s wallet, and they want answers, damnit! Well, maybe not answers, but they at least want to blame the unions for everything.

My only explanation for David’s behavior is that he is so appalled by his own ideologies that he has regressed into a child-like state, and he’s playing a game of Make Believe. That, or he’s completely off his rocker, and he’s killed Paul Krugman (who suspiciously has a “day off” today,) skinned him, and he’s currently wearing his skin as he speaks in a shrill, effeminate voice: “I’m Paul Krugman. I believe in a fair tax system and investing aggressively in the nation’s infrastructure.”

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