Drunken Politics: Wednesday November 5, 2008 Unfunny But Totally Real Headline
As always, spot the FOX NEWS headline
- In a victory stunning only to those of us convinced of an impending military coup and the racist parts of the south, Barack Obama won the presidency. He is the first African-American president of the United States. We’ll be sure to tear Barack apart for the remaining four years if he sells out the Progressives, but for the next ten seconds, we’re going to play nice. Ready? Here we go: Congratulations, Barack Obama. Please protect the people who got you elected.
- Now that Sarah Palin is gone, gone, gone, McCain advisors have started spilling even more dirt on her. One – she did not know where Africa was. Two – she did not know what countries are in North America and 3. She would throw fits so massive that it would make staffers cry. They may not have community organizers in the real America, but apparently there’s no shortage on miserable dumb bitches. It’s actually quite shocking they didn’t win.
- Honeymoon’s over. Barack Obama has reportedly named Rahm Emmanuel, relic of the Clinton years as his chief of staff. In addition to being known as a real son of a bitch, Emanuel is also allied closely with Wall Street after working years in the world of banking. He also ferociously defends every bad Israel policy decision. He also chearleaded the Iraq War at its beginining. Rahm Emmanuel: Change We Can Hardly Believe In.
- And in Bad Stuff Can Still Happen Even Though We Elected a Black Guy News: the US today killed 23 women and 10 children in Afghanistan. That is Afghanistan, Barack Obama’s “good war.”
- Democrats picked up five seats in the Senate but fell short of the sixty needed to overcome Republican filibusters. In North Carolina, State Senator Kay Hagan ousted vindictive bitch Elizabeth Dole in one of the sweetest victories of the night. Dole had released an ad attacking Hagan for accepting donations from atheists. The ad included a voice-over saying “There is no God,” a sentiment Elizabeth Dole no doubt believes now that she has lost the election.
- Hulk Hogan takes son Nick out in Sin City to celebrate his release from jail