Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Drunken Politics: November 2, 2008 Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on November 2, 2008

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 As always, spot the FOX NEWS headline!

  • Defying the advise of his staff, priest, and the general consensus of America’s collective common sense, Dick Cheney has endorsed John McCain. Poor McCain. He’s spent all these months hiding from George W. Bush trying to swat away accusations of being another 4 years of failed Neo-conservative policies, and then old tricky Dick Cheney snuck up behind him and slit his throat with six little words: I Richard Cheney, Heart John McCain. This marks the first time in history that a political endorsement assassinated a candidate.
  • ABC reports that General David Petraeus wanted to meet with the president of Syria to talk about stabilizing relations with them and Iran, but President Bush said no. Bush instead, last week, attacked Syria and continues to threaten Iran. This in academic circles is refeared to as the theory of Bush. The theory states that when things are so fucked as opposed to using conventional common sense and pulling your self out of these prexcisting negative situations, you instead keep adding and adding more negative situations until eventually everyone gets tired, changes the channel and forgets what they were mad about in the first place. See, look, I even forgot. I think it was something about gays. 
  • The Dallas Morning News reports that military members may not have enough time to complete and mail in their absentee ballots. For those civilians listening, a typical military schedule goes as follows: wake up, shower, eat breakfast, travel out of the Green Zone, duck bullets and dodge IEDs, shoot at moving targets, get shot at by moving targets, get shot, hope your old gear will stop the bullet, come back to base, pray during forced religious services at lunch, go out of the Green Zone, get shot at, kill some innocent civilians, watch some of your buddies die, and then if there’s enough time at the end of the day, which there probably won’t be, participate in the democracy you’re supposedly protecting.
  • Oprah, in one of her patented awkward screaming and jumping moments, had something legitimate to be upset about this week when the electronic voting machine she used did not record her vote for Barack Obama. This, proving that no matter how much money you make, and how much power you have, Diebold electic voting machines will still steal your vote if it can sense that you’re black. We here at Drunken Politics would like to send out special advisory to Senator Barack Obama: When voting, please use a paper ballot.
  • Barack Obama ads are playing across television screens in Arizona, John McCain’s home state. After Obama secured leads in traditionally red states like Nevada and Colorado early this week, John McCain remarked that it seems like Obama is already measuring for curtains in the Oval Office. But running ads in McCain’s home state suggests he isn’t just measuring for curtains – he’s already moved into the White House and he’s changing the locks.
  • Governor Sarah Palin accused the media this week of violating her first amendment right when they said the vice-presidential candidate was “going negative.” So the press, using there freedom of the press, voiced their opinion, using their freedom of speech, and Sarah Palin accused them of violating her constitutional rights. After bracing themselves for a media backlash, fears subsided when her handlers came out saying, “Look, we were just really excited she knew what the Constitution was”. However, when Mrs. Palin was pressed to name one more amedment besides freedom of speech she responded with: “Roe V. Wade.” 
  • Since the national debt hit $10 trillion dollars in late September, the government has already added $500 million more dollars to the national debt. It’s finally clear what the GOP has been talking about this whole time – more profits for corporate crooks and corrupt oilmen, more cronyism in Washington, more billions in bailouts for Wall Street and more luxury retreats for CEOs and their golden parachutes. The surge IS working – just not for anyone except the rich and affluent. 
  • Studs Turkle, author and activist, died this week. He was quoted recently by Roger Ebert as saying: “‘This is ironic, I’m not the one was has Alzheimer’s. It’s the country that has Alzheimer’s. There was a survey the other day showing that most people think our best president was Reagan. Not Abraham Lincoln. FDR came in 10th. People don’t pay attention any more. They don’t read the news.’  Studs was everyone’s friend, he new jazz and gosple inside out. He loved to drink but was never seen drunk. He was blacklisted by McCarthy and proud of it. He spoke for people who were afraid to speak for themselves then in turn tought them how to use their voice. He was an atheist unapologetically liberal, a hero and a patriot. And like a true journalist he wrote his own epitaph, saying: Curiosity didn’t kill this cat.” That’s one more good guy down. Very few left to go. 
  • Naked Pumpkin Hat-Runner Ticketed in Colorado  

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