Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Drunken Politics: Wednesday October 29, 2008 Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on October 29, 2008

As always, try to spot the FOX NEWS headline!

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  • According to Democracy Now, the Iraqi government is calling for changes to a proposed security pact that would keep US troops in Iraq for at least three more years. The cabinet of Prime Minister Nouri al-MALiki said the agreement should be revised to include a US pledge not to use Iraq as a “center for aggression” in the Middle East. The call came as the Iraqi government condemned last weekend’s US attack on Syria that killed at least eight people. Iraq is also calling for the right to inspect US military shipments that could be used to launch an attack on Iran. The Iraqi government also wants more legal authority over US troops accused of crimes and to shore up a 2012 withdrawal date that currently leaves room for a longer stay. The Bush administration has been accused of blackmail after warning Iraq it will shut down military operations and other vital services if the Iraqi government doesn’t back the deal. White House spokesperson Dana Perino said “the door is pretty much shut” on further talks. America: bringing you democracy, unless you question anything we do, in which case we will destroy you

  • The New York Times reports that the Bush administration, along with the state of Texas, approved the building of a government lab which will hold the worlds deadliest dieases on the coast line of Texas, which is frequently hit by hurricanes. Environmental lawyers are outraged at the danger of this. However, the Bush administration is seeing this as an advantage. If a hurricane hits, knocking over the lab, diseases housed there such as the Ebola virus could go airborne, killing millions of people. There for a serious terrorist attack of aggresion would have been carried out by the wind, enabling the administration to declare an open ended war on weather and continue to promote an environmental agenda that will destroy the planet
  • Upping his level of crazy to FOX News levels, Joe the Plumber recently said an Obama presidency would mean the end of Israel. This may seem like an unworthy headline, but I just wanted time to reiterate that Joe the Plumber’s real name is Sam, he’s not a plumber, and he owes $1200 dollars in back taxes, and now he’s being used as a news pundit being used for political analysis. And, remember: he’s craaaazy. Just…so…awesome
  • A police officer in NJ beat up and arrested a CBS camera operator today. When the reporter of the piece shouted “You can’t do that” the cop replied with, “I can do what ever I want.” Also, this week a photo journalist was arrested in Chicago. Footage of the arrest can be found on while the first amendment is nowhere in sight
  • A new Princeton University report is warning against an electronic voting machine currently used in New Jersey and other states. The report says a machine made by the California-based Sequoia Voting Systems can be hacked in about seven minutes. So if you were even wondering how long it would take to reverse forty years of civil rights progress in this country the answer is…seven minutes. Seven minutes
  • A 16-year-old kid Guantanamo detainee was released after it was revealed he only confessed after being drugged and threatened with death. That is one more case where we have arrested an innocent person tortured him and let him go. Former torture victom and Maverick John McCain is being such a Maverick that although it would seem Maverick likes to publicly criticize these policies he is such a Maverick that he is staying silent claiming that most people would assume the maverick thing to do would be to condem these actions, so by doing nothing, he is now a double maverick
  • A new Veterans Administration study says an increasing number of female soldiers are reporting cases of sexual assault by fellow service members. According to the VA, 1 in 7 female veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars who sought medical care have suffered sexual trauma. The study covers only a fraction of those who have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan and excludes those on active duty. And all these years people have been worried about gays in the military. Turns out, the only dangerous assholes are straight men
  • Teen Gets 18 months in Prison for Grannies Gansta’ Rap Video
  • In Pakistan, government officials are urging an immediate halt to US missile strikes on suspected militant hide-outs near the Afghan border. Missile strikes have killed at least two senior al-Qaida commanders in Pakistan. However, the increasing frequency of the strikes has strained America’s 7-year alliance with Pakistan, as tends to happen when friends shoot missiles at each other
  • Defense secretary Robert Gates said this week that the United States would hold fully accountable any nation that helped terrorists aquire weapons. This broad statement, which would feasibly include having terrorists in your country therefore being subject to attack, is tentatively being called the “Why Can’t America Learn From it’s Fucking Mistakes” Doctrine

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