Drunken Politics: October 26, 2008 Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines

As always, try to spot the FOX NEWS headline!

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• According to Rocky Mountain News, Denver elections officials are trying to figure out what happened to more than 11,000 mail ballots that have disappeared. The California printing company hired by Denver Elections said it delivered 21,450 ballots to the postal facility on that date, meaning 11,000 ballots are now missing. The news comes amid mounting complaints by Denver voters who had yet to receive their ballots as of Friday despite computer tracking records that say the ballots were sent on Oct. 15. So to all you paranoid lefties worrying about voter disenfranchisement on November 4th, relaaax. By then, there won’t even be ballots for you to scrawl your communist manifestos on.

• Joe Lieberman has gone from staunchly defending John McCain to praising Barack Obama, who now has a strong lead in the poles. Joe Lieberman ran for vice-president when the Democrats should have won the race, then was a cheerleader for the war when the war was popular, went on to praise Barack Obama at the 2004 convention, then started campaigning for John McCain when he was popular, and now is back to praising Obama. There is even talk of Obama considering him for Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense. Well, it’s a good thing terrorists haven’t invaded our country or we would have Al-Qaeda Lieberman vying for a seat at there table.

• According to The Public Record, President Bush has asked Attorney General Michael Mukasey to investigate whether newly registered voters in the battleground state of Ohio would have to reconfirm their voter registration information. The unprecedented intervention by the White House less than two weeks before the presidential election may result in 200,000 newly registered voters in Ohio not being able to vote on Election Day if they are forced to provide additional identification when they head to the polls. On the bright side, Ohio announced it’s officially changing its motto from the dogmatic “With God, All Things Are Possible,” to the decisively more peppy proclamation “Oh My God, They’re Stealing the Election Again.” Go, Ohio!

• ARMED HIJACKER TELLS BUS DRIVER TO GO TO DISNEY

• The New York Times reports that as the financial crisis lowers demand for American goods and services, the workers who produce them are losing their jobs by the tens of thousands. What the Times fails to mention is that Alan Greenspan, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve for nearly 20 years and the man responsible for much of the financial turmoil, considered Ayn Rand his mentor. So really, this whole thing is less a fiery, Great Depression-like debacle, and more the triumph of man over nature and a shining example of entrepreneurial conquest. It’s hard to get workers to understand they’re personal health, safety, and desires don’t matter as long as production keeps going, so I would suggest employers hand out copies of The Fountain Head along with worker pink slips in the upcoming months.

• In this week’s Guess Which Endorsement John McCain Received That He Would Rather Do Without: is it President Bush? Is it Joe McCain, John’s crazy brother who cursed out a 911 operator about there being too much traffic? Is it Neo-Con Ken Adellman, war advocate Colin Powell, or conservitve writer Christopher Buckley? Oh, that was Obama. Nope! This weeks John McCain endorsement he would rather do without? IT’S AL-QAEDA! On one of their websites this week Al-Qaeda endorsed senator John McCain for president. Experts say the reason for this is: a continuing of a Bush presidency is the best way for terrorist recruitment and if Osama Bin Laden’s goal was, as he stated, to bankrupt America, then McCain seems to be their man. Now, to be fair, Osama Bin Laden is no tenured professor, and citizen of the year, terrorist Bill Ayers, but I hear he is a pretty bad dude. 

• Daily Kos and Alternet have posted a video of Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin saying that abortion clinic bombers aren’t terrorists, but criminals, a very important distinction only clear to Ms. Palin and some twitching, muttering supporters of hers that remain huddled in their desolate cabins until Jesus tells the to go save the babies. Ms. Palin and her running mate, John McCain, have been hammering the Obama’s campaign for Mr. Obama’s ties to Bill Ayers. Ayers founded the radical group Weather Underground, and the McCain/Palin ticket has been consistently referring to Mr. Ayers as a terrorist. Just in case there’s any confusion out there, any kind of bombing is a terrorist act, even if you think you’re doing it to kick ass for the Lord. By the way, where does the Bible say to bomb abortion clinics? It’s not like there’s a Book of TNT where it’s written: and the Lord said: KA-BOOM!

• The New York Times reports that off duty military personal are dying…on motorcycles. Good work Times. In the last year, 58 soilders have died on bikes, yet over 4,000 have commited suicide upon return home. The New York Times – always almost dealing with the problem. 

• Huffington Post reports that Sarah Palin’s home state of Alaska’s largest newspaper, The Anchorage Daily New, is endorsing…Barack Obama for president. This again goes to prove that if you overcharge your constituents for a hockey rink, leave them with $20 million dollars worth of debt, and charge them for their own rape kits, they WILL eventually turn on you.

• Bill Krystal, Neo-conservative columnist for the New York Times, war architect, and villian straight out of a cartoon is attacking McCain handlers, for Sarah Palin’s bad reputation. Maybe McCain could have spent more money and gotten better handlers if he didn’t spend $22,800 on her makeup artists. Also, with Palin’s not believing in man-made global warming, her meetings with witch doctors, and not being able to name a single newspaper or Surpreme court case besides Roe V. Wade the only thing her handlers could have done is tie her up and keep her in a dark basement and that’s only legal in Alaska. Thanks, Sarah. 

• Republicans are warning voters not to overwhelmingly elect Democrats this November as a government run by a single party would be, quote, Dangerous. Elizabeth Dole, Republican from North Carolina is running an ad that states: These liberals want complete control of government, in a time of crisis. All branches of government. No checks and balances. No debate. No independence. As ominous music plays in the background. It takes a special breed of asshole to broadcast their hypocrisy as a statewide ad. Carpetbagger Elizabeth dole accuses the Democrats of fascist behavior when it is her own party that has allowed torture, secret trials, wiretapping, illegal wars, government spying of peace groups, the firing of US attorneys, the threatening of journalists and editors, and the total abandonment of the poor, black, and sick. Where was the handwringing over totalitarian government during the Bush years? The Republicans should officially change their title to “Republicans: We Hope You Don’t Remember the Last 8 Years.”

SHA-BLAMMO!