Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Drunken Politics: Wednesday October 22 Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on October 22, 2008
  • According to Democracy Now, the Iraqi cabinet is calling for revisions to a draft agreement that would allow US forces to stay in Iraq for at least three more years. Iraqi and US negotiators are hoping to finalize the deal before a UN mandate expires in December. The draft agreement states that US soldiers would have immunity from prosecution for all actions except those committed “off-duty” and not in combat. Critics have dismissed the provision, because US troops usually only leave their bases for authorized missions. The deal also calls for a full US withdrawal by 2012, but leaves open the possibility of a later date. The deal is tentatively being called, the “We’re Leaving, No We’re Not, Yes we Are—PSYCHE!” Accord.
  • JOE KLEIN, the TIME magazine reporter who has covered nine presidential election, was banned this week from John McCain and Sarah Palin’s airplane on security related issues. His credentials were suspended after a press conference when he asked John McCain if McCain believed the president of Iran, Ahmadinejad, was really the leader of Iran, since he does not have power over their foreign policy, briefly stumping the candidate. The next day, Joe Klein, Time Magazine reporter, was deemed a security threat and not allowed to board the aircraft, adding a new trait to  suspected terrorists: the ability to ask kind of hard questions. 
  • According to the Washington Post, FOX News has hired former New York Times national security correspondent, Judith Miller, as their latest shamed contributor. Judy will join the ranks of other political figures that have been exiled from the rest of humanity, such as Karl Rove and Oliver North. Scientists agree that if FOX hires one more plotting Machiavellian demon spawn, the entire network will implode under the weight of its own evilness like a dying star. Not that stars are evil. Just FOX News.
  • 76 year-old women arrested for the 73rd time
  • Farmer who fed neighbors to pig loses appeal
  • Bartender arrested while working in nude
  • White supremasist charged with biting boy
  • Politico is reporting that since her nomination as John McCain’s vice-presidential running mate, the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 on clothing and make-up for Gov. Sarah Palin, her husband, and her infant son. Meanwhile, the New York Times reports that more people than ever are struggling to pay for their medications. So if you ever find yourself blinded by diabetes because you could only afford your cholesterol medication, just remember that Sarah Palin is somewhere, some place looking very pretty.
  • A baby bear was shot in the head, then placed on the campus of Western Carolina University with Barack Obama signs stapled to his forehead. Earlier this week in Ohio, a local man hung an Obama effigy by a noose in his front yard. This, on top of countless acts of vandalisim, a 58-year-old Obama canvaser being assaulted in Wisconson, and death threats against Ohio Secritary of State Jennifer Brunner. Hey, John McCain, when that’s your base, ya’ know, the ones that agree with your policies? Maybe it’s time to reconsider…I don’t know…everything. 
  • Democracy Now reports that Monday marks the two-year anniversary of journalist Brad Will’s death. Will was killed while filming the Oaxaca revolution in Mexico in 2006. Will’s family and friends have criticized the Mexican government for recently accusing two Oaxacan activists of his murder instead of state police forces. Will recorded the last moments of his life, and the video footage appears to contradict the Mexican government’s story that activists shot him. In fact, the footage appears to show police shooting Will, and activists attempting to save his life. So if you’re ever feeling blue about the US government trying to suppress dissident voices, just remember that there are other poor people out there, getting their asses kicked, just like you.
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    • And in this week’s What Unsavory Crazy Lawbreaking Citizen Joined the McCain Camp- It’s Nathan Sproul! A former leader of the Arizona Christian Colealition who was accused of posing as a liberal in 2004, registering people to vote, then tearing up their cards. While doing this, his company received $8 million from the RNC. It’s like ACORN for white people, which means he’s ACTUALLY breaking the law, it got zero press coverage,  and he’s free to do it again this year. 
    • The Wall Street Journal reports that A California state ballot measure to ban gay marriage is gaining momentum, with polls showing almost even odds of it passing after trailing by double digits a month ago. Pollsters say that fueling the rise in support for Proposition 8 is an advertising blitz heavily bankrolled by the Mormon Church. This moment in irony brought to you by Mormons, a misunderstood, repressed minority.
    • The New York Times reports that corporate donors have found a way to exceed the legal donation limits to a presidential candidate by donating directly to joint fundraising companies instead of directly to the candidates. Over 2000 people donated over 25,000 dollars to both campaigns when the legal limit is $2,300. The largest companies that were writing checks to both candidates? Investment and savings firms such as Bear Stearns and AIG. So your tax money is going to bail out the executives, who overcharged you for your home, which is now being taking away, then they are giving the money back to the candidates, who when in office are going to vote to give that money back to the executives. So when rich people give away their money they get it back, and when we give away our money, we lose our homes. It’s like being robbed and assaulted, and then getting a bill for the assailant’s expenses, then the media says you should have been more responsible, and were kinda asking for it.    

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