Drunken Politics: Sunday, October 19, 2008 Headlines
As always, spot the FOX NEWS headline
- For you listeners playing Race to the N-Word at home, the contest where you bet on which closetracist Republican will be the first to drop the N-bomb, the answer came this week, and the answer is… ROBOTS. In Indiana and Pennsylvania, volunteers from the Barack Obama campaign have filed complaints about racist robocalls paid for by John McCain’s campaign and other third parties. The third party call was interactive, and claimed to be from Barack Obama himself. The fake Obama asks what the listener thinks is the most important issue. Whatever the response, fake Obama then launches into a profane and crazed tirade using the N-word and other shock language.
- Michele Bachman, representative from Minnesota, appeared this week on Hardball with Chris Matthews and said there should be an investigation into which members of the house are “un-American.” We here at Drunken Politics have already conducted that investigation, and judging by that statement, I’m going to go with un-American Minnesota Represenative Michelle Bachman. If you would like to sign a petition to censure Bachman, which already has over 41,000 signigutures and is at: http://www.censurebachmann.com/
- In California, Voters contacted by The LA Times said they were tricked into switching parties while signing what they believed were petitions for tougher penalties against child molesters. Some said they were told that they had to become Republicans to sign the petition, contrary to California law. Others had no idea their registration was being changed. This again proves the old adage that when in doubt, it’s better to side with child molesters than Republicans.
- And in exciting news for the Democratic party, former Bush White House Secretary of State Colin Powell, on Meet the Press this morning, endorsed Senator Barack Obama. Colin Powell is a Conservative and also one of the most respected men in America. So respected, in fact, that when he gave a speech to the UN Security Council about Iraq posing an inniment threat based on faulty evidence, they and the majority of our press, believed him and it lead us into an illegal war. Yaaaay. I guess this is his way of saying: ‘my bad for the war, hope voting for the other black guy makes up for it.’
- In China, officials are placing restrictions on Muslims in an effort to control Islam’s spread. Prayer outside of mosques is forbidden, imam’s sermons must run no longer than a half-hour, and government officials cannot enter mosques. Because if there’s one way to stem religious zealotry and spread enlightenment, it’s through cruel repression of a frightened minority. Thanks China! Leading the way towards holy war since the beginning of time!
- The New York Times reports that the FBI is too understaffed to deal with white-collar corporate crime in the wake of the financial meltdown due to most agents being pulled away for homeland security detail after 9/11. The FBI repeatedly kept asking Bush for funding to investigate the falling of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac but kept getting denied. If only the CEOs of these companies had Muslim names, their phones would have been tapped, some would have been detained at airports, and maybe -for the first time since the Patriot Act was passed- we would have gotten some usable intelligence.
- Executives at the insurance giant AIG, who were previously criticized by Congress for using part of their taxpayer bailout on a $440,000 dollar resort trip, have come under criticism for taking yet another luxury getaway. AIG used an additional $86,000 dollars of taxpayer money to finance a hunting trip to England where they shot their loved ones in their faces because that’s what I presume billionaires do when they get bored.
- The New York Times reports that after the collapse of Enron in 2002, the Justice Department moved aggressively against corporate fraud. It set up a national task force to tackle the problem, garnered hundreds of convictions at companies like WorldCom, Adelphia and Enron, and forced the closure of Arthur Andersen, the accounting firm, for its role in the Enron collapse. But several former law enforcement officials said in interviews that senior administration officials, particularly at the White House and the Treasury Department, had made clear to them that they were concerned the Justice Department and the F.B.I. were taking an anti-business attitude that could chill corporate risk taking. When asked for legal reasons why the FBI should not investigate these crimes, the administration allegedly sighted the Don’t Shit Where You Eat Act of 1712
- Pop Tarts: Keira Knightley Talks Boobs, Babies & Wanting to Set Her Head on Fire(dingdingding)
- It has recently been reported that giant corporations like Walmart, Phizer, Boeing, and Lockhead Martin this year gave hundreds of thousands of dollars to charity, claiming that they were supporting worthy causes. Turns out, it was another clever way to donate to politicians by picking out their favorite charity. Several weapons manufactuers were donating to an orchastra in the small town of Johnsville Pennslvania as a slick way to give backdoor funds to Democratic represenative John Murtha who hands out defense contract. Suspicioun should have aroused, seeing as weapons manufactures hate music and joy. This story: once and for all proving that corporations can even make donating to charity evil.
- Carl Bernstein or as you may know him as, the real reporter, pointed out this week that John McCain himself was pallin around with terrorists. Convicted Watergate burglar and domestic terrorist G Gorden Libby has given fundraisers for John McCain, posed in Pictures with John McCain, and has had John McCain on his radio show several times and John McCain in a recent exchange noted how proud he was of Liddy. But in John McCain’s defense, assisting in illegal break-ins is only considered domestic terrorism if you’re brown, poor, Muslim, or friends with Barack Obama.
- And in this weeks – That’s Too Fucked-up to Tag it with a Joke headline – Attorney General Michael Mukasey recently issued new guidelines for the F.B.I. that permit agents to use a range of intrusive techniques to gather information on Americans — even when there is no clear basis for suspecting wrongdoing. Under the new rules, agents may engage in lengthy physical surveillance, covertly infiltrate lawful groups, or conduct pretext interviews in which agents lie about their identities while questioning a subject’s neighbors, friends, or work colleagues based merely on a generalized “threat.” The new rules also allow the bureau to use these techniques on people identified in part by their race or religion and without requiring even minimal evidence of criminal activity.