Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Friday, October 17, 2008: Drunken Politics Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on October 18, 2008

As always, try to spot the FOX News headline!

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  • On Wall Street, hundreds of people rallied against the $750 billion dollar bailout. Speakers included Ralph Nader and Matt Gonzalez, the Independent Party’s presidential and vice-presidential candidates, or as they are better known “the two guys you totally agree with, but you’re afraid to listen to because then you’d be forced to actually do something to fix your government.” Photos of the protest will be posted at allisonkilkenny.com after the show.
  • The New York Times reports that a top Republican fundraiser, Harry Sargent III, made hundreds of millions of dollars by overcharging the United states tax payer to deliver oil to Iraq. Sargent is a top McCain donor and finance chairman of the Florida Republican Party. Speaking once again for Republicans by saying we’ll support the troops if you give us billions of dollars.
  • Remaining faithful to America’s rich tradition of fucking over black men, the Supreme Court has refused to review Troy Davis’s case. Troy Davis has been on Georgia’s death row for over 15 years for supposedly killing an off-duty police officer. But there are serious questions about his guilt. There is no physical evidence linking him to the offense, no murder weapon has been found, eyewitnesses have recanted their stories, and there are accusations of police intimidation. Amnesty International is asking people to sign a petition to save Davis’s life. The link to the petition can be found here.
  • Plumber Joe, the hero to Conservatives, who stopped Barack Obama in the street to question him about his tax policies regarding small businesses has come under scrutiny this week. Joe, after having an honest discussion with Obama and becoming a subject in the final presidential debate, has been making the rounds on right-wing talk shows, saying how Obama was tap-dancing like Sammie Davis Jr. Well, turns out Joe the plumber, is not a licensed plumber, owes back-taxes, and his name is Sam. So, maybe he does represent middle America Republicans as much as the media insists…by being a liar a fraud and kind of a racist.
  • Outside the debate at Hofstra University, 15 protesters were arrested, including 5 members of Iraq Veterans Against the War. Disturbing video shot by I-Witness shows one veteran, Nick Morgan, lying on the ground nearly unconscious in a pool of blood. In a move of solidarity with local law officials, the Marines have notified the press that they are changing their motto from Semper Fidelis to “No, Seriously, Get the Fuck Out of the Way or I Will Trample You With My Giant Horse.”
  • Scaredy cat caught in tree for 9 days. Shot with hose.
  • In local news, we’re asking New Yorkers to contact the NYS Election Commissioner to demand they stop using electronic voting machines. Most scientific experts say these machines are too unreliable, and the National Institute of Standards and Technology has stated that securing electronic voting machines is not possible. You can find letter templates and the contact information for the election commissioner here. Demand a safe, paper ballot at your polling place, and not a computer version of a Conservative waiting to knee you in the crotch.
  • Speaking of Conservatives kneeing people: A reporter was assaulted today by a McCain supporter at a Sarah Palin rally in Greensboro North Carolina. The assailant accused the reporter of being part of the liberal media, then kicked him in the leg, knocking him to the ground. Once and for all scientifically proving  that all — not some — but ALL McCain supporters are stupid jerks.
  • The McCain campaign is trying to clarify a remark made by Sarah Palin yesterday in North Carolina in which Palin said she loved to visit the “pro-America” areas of the country. We’re assuming the Anti-America places include any place with black people, or brown people, or Asian people. Or literate people. Or poor white people.
  • VP candidate Sarah Palins staffers have been keeping her away from the news as to avoid making her depressed. If only the American people had someone to keep Sarah Palin away from us. Also, if the press is making Sarah Palin sad, I would hate to see how she reacts to war and an economic depression. She may be the first VP candidate to ever be on a 24-hour suicide watch.
  • The Supreme Court has issued its first decision on Ohio for the 2008 election. The ruling is both good and bad. The good news is that last-minute voter purging will not go forward. The bad news is that the ruling preserves the Republican’s core argument that so-called voter fraud may require that precinct votes, perhaps even entire states, have their votes or elections tossed out. The process does not end with this ruling. Right after the election in November, the Supreme Court will make a full ruling. If we’re really, really lucky, maybe the Supreme Court, and not the people of the United States, will decide who gets to be president again.
  • And finally, the Washington Post reports that the Department of Defense spent $300 billion on television programming for Iraq to get them excited about America. Also known as propaganda. Who would have thought the country where we have men in camouflage walking around with guns and shooting people would need to be convinced that we’re the good guys? Here’s an idea: if you have to spend $300 billion to make a country like you, maybe you shouldn’t have been hanging out there in the first place. They are even talking about making pro American sitcoms. Some ideas for the show:  America – we’re sorry we shot your children. Iraqi idol, featuring the best and brightest American singers apologizing for shooting your children. And finally, the wacky improve sensation Who’s Line is it Anyway? I hope it wasn’t that kids cause we shot him. We’re sorry. We’re also sorry for Wayne Brady.

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