Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Drunken Politics Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines: October 5, 2008

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on October 7, 2008

And as always, play SPOT THE FOX NEWS HEADLINE!

  • THE GOVERNMENT’S AFTER US! We may not have what nay-sayers call “evidence” yet, but really weird shit has been happening and I’m like 90% sure the government is behind it. What can YOU do? If we don’t broadcast LIVE AT 11 PM NEXT WEDNESDAY, WE ARE DEFINITELY ON A PLANE TO SYRIA, AND YOU SHOULD CALL THE ACLU. More on this after headlines.
  • Beach-goers mistake FOG for Tsunami. Panic ensues!
  • On Meet The Press this morning, Republican strategists Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy praised Sarah Palin’s performance at the Vice-Presidential debates. Here’s why this is hilarious: Noonan and Murphy were previously caught on mic saying Palin’s nomination was,“Political Bullshit,” and “Gimicky.” This makes Peggy Noonan a fraud and a liar, and Mike Murphy also a fraud and a liar.
  • At a recent rally Sarah Palin said “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.” After coming under fire for such a batshit crazy line, she claimed that she was quoting Madelina Albright. Madeline Albright never said that, the Republican’s VP candidate has resorted to threats, there is no such place as hell, and finally Sarah Palin, still, a fucking idiot.
  • A follow-up to the story of Inman Morales, the man who plunged to his death after a police officer tasered him. The police officer responsible for his death took his own life earlier this week. The debate over the use of non-lethal weapons by police continues to rage on, despite the fact that tasers have now taken lives on both sides of the law.
  • In Philadelphia, an anonymous flyer circulating in African-American neighborhoods states that voters who are facing outstanding arrest warrants or unpaid parking tickets may be arrested at the poles on election day. The LT Mayor says this is clearly false and voter intimidation. PS: this is why the Republicans aren’t worried about McCain voting for an unpopular war and the deregulation that has gotten us into this financial crisis because they are going to steal the election.
  • The Senate’s solution to the ridiculous 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street was to tack on an additional ridiculous 150 billion dollars of tax breaks and bribes and the inclusion of provisions that actually make it MORE difficult for people to declare bankruptcy. So there you have it: our Senate, kicking you in the sack when you’re already down.
  • In Jerusalem, there has been a breakout of modesty patrols, religious vigilantes, who are stoning women that are wearing red blouses and attacking stores that sell internet devices. Some citizens feel terrorized, while at the same time religious leaders in the community are thought to be silently encouraging it. Joe Biden, speaking in an awkward third-person narrative at this week’s Vice-presidential debates said that “Israel has no better friend than Joe Biden.” If that’s the case, Joe, please shoot your friend Israel an email or text message and tell him to stop stoning women and killing Palestinians in their homes.
  • After coming under widespread scrutiny for tainted vegetables, the Food and Drug Administration is using 300,000 dollars in taxpayer money to hire a public relations specialist to improve their image instead of using funds to ensure our food isn’t poisoned. So instead of regulating our food, the FDA will regulate commercials with hot pieces of ass that will sell us salmonella-laced carrots for really low prices.

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