Live-Blogging the VP Debates

10 minutes until debates

The bar has been set pretty low for Palin. All she has to do is get through this thing without declaring war on Iran, and tomorrow pundits will rave about her folksy charm and likability. I’m more wary for Biden, who may come across as sexist if he tries to lower the blade when Palin inevitably fucks up.

9:00 PM

Brian Williams looks like he’s making a conscious effort not to say “Bimbo” when describing Palin. Did Brokaw just say “Puckish” when describing her? Is he making a bad pun? I’m mad at Brokaw.

9:01 PM

Try not to dry-hump Joe because he’s been near Obama, Gwen. I hate this “no cheering” rule. This whole process is so sanitized.

9:02 PM
Palin just asked Joe Biden if she can call him Joe. Joe didn’t strike her in the face. I’m sad.

Holy crap. Joe is actually attacking Bush’s economic policies. I forgot Democrats could still do that.

Sarah Palin is talking about kids soccer. I’m not kidding.

I don’t think Palin understands half of the words she’s using.

Palin called McCain’s suspension of his campaign putting aside partisanship. Wwwwwwwhat?

9:07 PM
Palin is behaving like she won a “Debate Your Senator” contest in high school and the prize was she gets to participate in a national debate with Joe Biden.

“Neither of you answered that last question.” I LOVE YOU GWEN! GET ‘EM GIRL!

“Joe Six-Pack, Hockey Moms Across America:” How Sarah Palin views the American people. I feel nauseous.

At this time, I literally have no idea what Sarah Palin is saying.

Hearing Joe “Mastercard” Biden use populist speech is funny. Really, it is.

If this was an adorable contest (which it’s not. America, do you hear me?! It’s NOT!) Palin would win.

I feel like Biden and Palin could have come out and said: “Tax breaks…Tax increases..Regulation…Deregulation…economy…Middle America…Wall Street…run wild…Main Street…Governor…Hockey Mom….Straight Talk….” and called it a night.

I think Sarah Palin is trying to tell America she wants to secede from the union. Why else would she have just asked the government to “get out of the way”? She knows this is a debate to decide who gets to run the government next, right? Does she think this is a beauty pageant?

Joe Biden: “Ultimate Bridge to No Where” –> This line will be fucking EVERYWHERE tomorrow. Even the dead-eyed audience reacted.

“John McCain doesn’t say one thing to one group and another thing to another group.” Um, yes he does. In fact, he changed his opinion about the economy in one hour while campaigning in Florida. So…you’re lying.

Palin: “How long have I been at this…like five weeks?”……*COUGH*

9:30 PM

I’m going to have to read the transcripts of what Palin is saying tomorrow. Trying to follow what she’s saying is like trying to catch a distressed field mouse. Her thought just shoots off and veers in all these directions, she misuses words, mispronounces them, and trials off into tangents. Then I black out and she’s done talking.

Sarah Palin is addressing the nation like she’s reading us a nighttime storybook. And in many ways, she is.

I can see the smoke pouring out of Sarah’s ears when she regurgitates the buzz words McCain’s henchmen branded into her brain.

Sarah Palin just called drilling for oil alternative fuel.

Oooo snap! Sarah: “Joe called drilling ‘raping’ the outer continental shelf.” SHE BROUGHT UP RAPE!! BRING UP THE RAPE KITS!!

Sarah Palin is talking about “traditional marriage,” which as we all know, means when you force your young daughter to marry the hockey hick that knocked her up.

Ugh, Joe Biden discredits his whole party when he says he refuses to acknowledge gay marriage.

Gwen: Do you support gay marriage?
Joe: No.
Sarah: No
Gwen: WONDERFUL! YOU AGREE!

Um, what? It’s wonderful you’re all bigots?

9:45 PM
Welp, we’ve reached that time. Now it’s time to argue over who’s more evil: Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, or Pakistan.

UPDATE: THEY’RE ALL EVIL OMG WHO KNEW?!

Man, they must have trained Palin for MONTHS to pronounce “Ahmadinejad” correctly.

Sarah Palin is talking about how the terrorists “hate our tolerance” after just saying gay people shouldn’t be able to get married and have equal rights.

“They hate our freedoms” — Sarah Palin; George W. Bush

Joe Biden thinks there never should have been elections because Hamas won. Um, they won because the people elected them. Soooo…we should have stopped those elections? Aren’t we supposed to be spreading democracy?

Oh, wait, I just remembered: we only support democratic leaders we pre-approve

Sarah Palin is teaching me that nuclear weapons are an excellent deterrent. They sure are, girlfriend!

Joe Biden should not smile. Ever.

…Ever.

“We’re not killing civilians. We’re fighting terrorists and building schools.” — Sarah Palin.
O RLY?

Sarah Palin is very obviously reading from pre-written notes. I feel like someone should call her on this, but of course, no one will.

10:00 PM

TAKE HER NOTES, JOE! SHE WILL LOSE HER POWER!

“Oh maaaan. It’s just so obvious here I’m a Washington outside here…You do that politician thing where you say one thing and do another…Americans want some straight talk!” — Sarah Palin, Queen of Passive-Aggressiveness

Palin has begun the post-debate discussion mid-debate. Very post-modern of her.

WE GET IT, SARAH. YOU ARE BOTH MAVERICKS. JOHN MCCAIN IS A MAVERICK. I UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.

I now remember why I hate watching the debates.

If this doesn’t end with them making out, I’m going to be fucking disappointed.

No, Joe, I don’t want to “Go for a walk with you through (your) neighborhood”

“Say it ain’t so, Joe!” — Sarah Palin, yes, she actually said it. Apparently, we’re not allowed to talk about the Bush administration because we’re “looking forward” this year.

Sarah Palin just gave a shout-out to a group of third-graders, who probably have no idea what she’s been talking about. Not because they’re young. Because they know the issues and Sarah Palin doesn’t fuck impress them.

Wow, the SECOND Palin strays from her notes, she’s completely incoherent.

First true statement of the night goes to Joe Biden: “Dick Cheney is the most dangerous Vice-President we have ever had.”

Sarah Palin: “I regulate oil and gas.” No, she didn’t. She never has.

I thought Palin said “equal rice” when she said “equal rights.” I thought it was some kind of new food program.

10:21 PM
FINALLY — Biden brings up working for women’s rights. Jesus Christ, someone needs to tell the Dems it’s okay to bring up these kinds of accomplishments.

“We’ve got to win the wars” Tell me, Sarah, what does that mean, again?

YES! Finally! John McCain is not a Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. John McCain is not a fucking Maverick. Biden finally calls Palin on the stupid-fucking name. He’s the least Maverick politician there is. He’s a total D.C. elitist, who toes the line when he’s told.

This is a totally petty thing to point out, but no one at this fucking debate can pronounce “partisanship” and it’s beginning to piss me off.

10:30 PM

As the candidates make their closing statements, let me just remind the reader that Sarah Palin is DANGEROUS. You’re going to hear a lot of liberals gloat tomorrow, but just remember that we’re the country that elected President Bush…twice. She will charm America. She will charm her way into the White House if we let her.

I know, I know. None of her answers made sense. Doesn’t matter. She’s cute, she’s folksy, and she’s a new, shiny toy. That’s enough. We have to keep working diligently for change.