Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

Drunken Politics Unfunny But Totally Real Headlines: October 1, 2008

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on October 2, 2008

As a bonus, spot the FOX NEWS headline!

  • As previously reported, for the first time ever, an active army unit will be deployed inside the United States. The military is running exercises for national emergencies such as a nuke destroying the Midwest or terrorist spraying school children with smallpox. A key component of the training is the rapid deployment of troops in the event of a disaster and national shock. The Army pinky swears they will not use these forces against protesters.
  • Sarah Palin did more crazy shit this week that we don’t have time to go over induvidualy, highlights include not being able to name any supreme court case besides Roe V wade, not being able to name a single newspaper and thinking that humans used to walk with dinasours, I wish I could stress to you in person how not kidding I am.
  • In the “No Shit” News: Greedy Man Seeks More Power. In New York City, tiny fascist Michael Bloomberg is planning to run for a third term due to the current economic crisis. Bloomberg will ask the City Council do away with its fifteen-year rule limiting elected leaders to two four-year terms. While planning to suspend the elections for a crisis that hasn’t happened yet, Karl Rove was seen standing nearby, jotting notes, and muttering “interesting…interesting…”
  • The Telegraph reports President of Iran Ahmadinejad was asked: “If the Palestinian leaders agree to a two-state solution, could Iran live with an Israeli state?” He responded by saying If the Palestinians] want to keep the Zionists, they can stay …Whatever the people decide, we will respect it. I mean, it’s very much in correspondence with our proposal to allow Palestinian people to decide.” You may not have heard about that on the news because Iran wanting to attack Isreial is our main reason for wanting to bomb them. Stay tuned for part two, after we bomb Iran.
  • Mike Connell, Karl Rove’s Computer Expert and villainous sidekick, has refused to testify in a federal Election Rigging Case. Connell was subpoenaed on September 22nd to testify under oath in a federal lawsuit in Ohio regarding his knowledge of election rigging and vote manipulation in past elections and the upcoming election. Whistleblowers also claim it is Connell who knows the whereabouts of the White House’s notorious missing emails regarding the politically-motivated firings of US Attorneys.
  • Woman Dies in Inflatable Slide Accident
  • In Washington, Congressional leaders revised the $700 billion dollar bailout and it just passed overwhelmingly in the Senate 74-25. McCain and Obama both voted for the bailout. According to Huffington Post, the original bailout plan proposed by Treasure Secretary Paulson, which was 3 pages, swelled to an astonishing 451 pages in the Senate. We’ll talk about what was inside the new pages of the plan later in the show, but in the meantime, just know that the 448 new pages will probably dick you over.
  • Finally, recently passed voter ID laws are causing confusion among voters. To find out your state’s specific ID guidelines, visit www.pfaw.org or www.vote411.org.

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