Allison Kilkenny: Unreported

So you’ve decided to Balkanize Iraq…

Posted in Uncategorized by allisonkilkenny on April 21, 2007
A Helpful Guide to Balkanization for Our Troups

Welcome! As a member of the U.S. armed forces, you are part of the exciting new plan to Balkanize Iraq. Recently, the U.S. military created plans to build a concrete wall around a Sunni area in Baghdad, the Iraqi capital. A wall or “safety barrier” ensures that the good folk of Adhamiya will be safe from the nasty Shia district next door. What’s that? We like the Shias? Oh! We publicly say we don’t have preference for one sect over another? Got it. Right! Moving on….

Now, listen up troops! You’re going to hear a lot of noise from cocksucking commies, like the UN, that building walls is eerily similar to the strategic divisions of the Balkans. Hence the name, I guess, but this strategy is different! Call it “gated communities” if any nosy reporters show up, asking a lot of pushy questions.

Adnan al-Dulaimi, who leads the biggest Sunni bloc in parliament, says our walls will breed more strife. To that I say: WRONG! WALLS are just walls, son! They exist to keep these brown sonsabitches from tearing each other apart! If we were not here, this country woulda dissolved into some kind of chaotic quagmire of constant civil warfare, where there are explosions and hundred of causalities daily! And you don’t see THAT kind of shit, do you?

We began construction of the three-mile long (twelve feet high) concrete wall on April 10th, and we hope to have it done by the end of the month. The good folk of Adhamiya will be able to leave and enter through a number of small, guarded checkpoints guarded by our forces. Oh, and some of the Iraqi guys we’re training, too.

You’re gonna hear a lot of human rights types saying stuff like building walls around districts is like creating ghettos, or prisons, and is really just a soft form of ethnic cleansing. FOOEY! They’re gonna say stuff like you can’t import democracy or divide a people against their will, even if you’re 100% positive you’re doin’ the right thing. They’ll say that there’s one people the Iraqis sects hate more than each other, and that’s America and their colonial presence inside their ancient land, and a WALL is just a clear indication of ideological oppression and our ignorance of their culture. HORSE DUNG!

You listen up, troops! This ain’t the Berlin Wall. Our wall will NOT become a symbol of tyranny and oppression! This is a Freedom Wall! You got that?! FREEDOM! These people will love our freedom and thank Allah we brought it to them!

We have tried everything with these people. First, we shut down their media and set up our own newscasts and newspapers. Then we saturated their populace with positive propaganda about the U.S. military so they would HAVE to love us. That didn’t work. Then we tried to win hearts and minds by walking door-to-door and breaking into their homes to check for terrorists. FOR THEIR SAFETY. That didn’t work. So what choice do we have?? We gotta box these critters in and shove patriotism down their throats ’til they start shittin’ little American flags!

You build on, troops! You build until we got these bastards walled off into happy, little families and there’s no way they can get at each other. Then we can all kick back with a Bud Light, a Marlboro Red, and some nice country tunes on the radio.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: